What Disney Movies Taught Me

Dear Reader,

Today, my friends and I had a movie marathon. Disney themed to be specific. Before anyone gets on my case **cough** Hedgehog **cough**. You’re not to old to watch Disney movies unless you have kids. In which case, you still get to watch them. See how that works?

Anyways while we were watching them I started to see all the dirty jokes I had missed as a child. Oh, innocent me. And when I really started thinking about it. Disney movies are messed up.

What I learned from 7 Disney movies:

The Little Mermaid

Remember how Ariel loved Prince Charming but he didn’t even now she existed? Well, Ladies this is an excellent example of how men only want you for your body. Anyone can marry a prince so long as they get extreme and extensive plastic surgery. Ariel was lucky, all she had to do was chop off her tail, lose her vocal chords, and get new legs. Even after all that the prince still dumped her for some other chick, too. Moral of the story? You have to be willing to change everything about yourself to catch a guy. Then he will still chase after the evil hot chick who will try to kill you.

Lion King

Hedgehog and I disagree about this one. Remember the scene from the lion king when Rafiki is trying to get Simba to go back to save the pride lands? Hedgehog claims the story is that Rafiki hits Simba repetitively with a stick to show that the past can still hurt us but we need to learn from it. I however believe that the moral of the story is this. Disney is clearly trying to say  that it’s okay to hit people – so long as you are trying to help them.

Aladdin

Where to even start? It is okay to lie or steal to get what you want. That loaf of bread? Take it. The creepy monkey? Stole it. Dusty lamp? Just shove it in your back pocket. Later you can just wipe it off and hock it at the local pawn shop. If you get really lucky a giant genie will pop out of it and suddenly you can pretend you’re a prince to get the attention of the hot princess.

Snow White

First of all, Harlot. I am not the only one thinking this. She lived with SEVEN MEN. That has got to mean something. Secondly, apparently you can eat poisonous foods. Worst comes to worst and those seven men you have been meandering with will build you a lovely dome-like thing in the middle of the forest and just wait around. Until some fool wanders in and decides ‘hey, unconscious girl…. lets kiss her.’ Seriously, sounds like someone got waisted at a frat party, passed out, and you know the rest of the story.

Bambi

Some movies you can only watch once, no matter how much you loved them as a child. Also, you are going to die. Sooner or later either you or everyone you know will die. Due to circumstances beyond your control i.e. hunters or forest fires eventually everyone you know will be put into harms way. How depressing is that?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

From the first time Quasimodo laid his eyes on Esmerelda he loved her. He did everything for her. In the end who did she end up marrying? Quasimodo? NO. Some other guy. Moral of the story? Doesn’t matter how sweet you are. No one wants to marry the ugly guy.

Cinderella

Cinderella was supposed to clean the house everyday according to her stepmother. She would take no action. Never once did she stand up to her stepmother for being so evil. Not even any dirty looks. Then one day…BAM! A magic fairy shows up and hands her everything. A carriage, a few horses, a dress, a prince and even a kingdom. Moral of the story? Just wait around long enough and eventually the universe will had you everything on a silver platter.

Regards,

Squirrel