In Which I Cram…

Dear Squirrel and Readers –

Well its the night before my last final, and I’m having a harder and harder time focusing. I’ve been bit by the good old procrastination bug. So in the spirit of putting off more work, I’m gunna post a poem I found that reallys sums up how all college students in my position feel.

Its call The Night Before Finals:

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen their thinking.

In my own dorm room,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were all shot.

I stared at my notes
But my thoughts were all muddy
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn’t study.

“Some pizza might help,”
I thought with a shiver,
But each place that I called
Refused to deliver.

I’d nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
He looked straight at me,
And started to bellow:

“What kind of student
Would make such a fuss
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?”

“On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year’s Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!”

His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.

“Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to all a good test.”

And to all a good night – Hedgehog

Surviving Saturday: A Murder of Essays

Dear Readers,

As you may recall. I procrastinated like a boss. Ten essays due monday. With procrastination this amazing comes stress like a rhino horn shoved up your spinal column. So how is one supposed to write ten essays essentially in one day? Listen close my fellow procrastinaters. I will tell you the magic of my ways…

Surviving: A Murder of Essays:

1.  Freak out. This step is essential. Don’t hold back. Eliminate the stress. Let it all go. Here are my personal favorites ways of freaking out.
   1. Cry. Show the stress who is boss. Gather it all up and release it from your eyes. If someone should make fun of you for crying. Well, we all know you are a boss. After all your shoving your stress right out of your eyes! Kick their butts! Then return to releasing the stress, or move on to step two.
   2. Complain. After all, if your day is going to be miserable why not spend it with someone else who is equally miserable. It just makes you feel better. Even if they totally hate your whining. Make sure to make it sound horrible. As if Satan himself has dropped a load of poo-poo on you and only you are capable of freeing the world from his feces. (Sorry for that mental picture).
   3. Complete mental break down.  Depending on the level of procrastination you managed, use this is a last resort. If the world will literally end due to your procrastination… Fake a mental break down. This will take some determination. You need to get committed to an institution. It will take an awful lot of work. Your gonna have to–ah, who am I kidding. You’re obviously not going to put the effort into faking a mental break down. Just procrastinate some more. Skip to step 2.
2.  Pull your stuff together. Just man up, or woman up as the case may be, and get it done. The world won’t end. You could do a pretty crappy job and honestly no one would really care. Usually the only person you hurt in procrastination is your self. Just learn from your mistake and don’t do it again. Unless you are a surgeon and procrastinated learning an operation. I swear to god one of my biggest fears is being on the operating table and having an out-of-body experience where the surgeon says, “Okay, now pull up the wikiHow article.” If you procrastinated something that serious, just quit. Give up. Do patients everywhere a favor and go into Taxidermy. At least there you won’t accidentally remove a leg.

In other news I managed to finish 10 fairly good essays in one day. Level of awesome? Chuck Norris.

So leave your procrastination stories in the comments. Together we can conquer this problem….tomorrow.

Regards,

Squirrel

Procrastination

Dear Readers,

Now I know some of you think you are excellent procrastinators; however, I’m better by far. Allow me to explain. It’s not something I am proud of, but it should count as a talent. Maybe I’ll put it on the job applications? That’ll get me hired!

Anyways, currently level of procrastination is right below pulling an Oedipus and driving stakes into my eyes. To be specific, I have 11 essays to write. And 4 days to write them in. Using layman’s terms: “I am screwed.”

I would write more, but I should really get two of these written tonight. If you want to leave your own procrastination stories in The comments… I would appreciate it. We procrastinators need to stick together!!

Gah! I don’t want to write these essays… I’m boldly going where no squirrel has gone before. Perhaps this is one small step for a squirrel, one large leap for squirrel kind. Stop it, now I’m just procrastinating some more. (Feel free to leave your own little procrastination knock of if famous quotes in the comments)

Regards,
Squirrel